


Young and Beautiful

by infinitewritings



Series: The Untold Love Story of Bucky Barnes [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Returns, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fights, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), SHIELD, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, lana del rey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 11:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7220593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitewritings/pseuds/infinitewritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over, SHIELD is strong and after Bucky that's all she has left. But Hydra is there too and it has its own surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Young and Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> There is a spoiler-ish part near the end. If you've seen Civil War, I hope you're able to pick it up, I tried to imbed it in there. Let me know if you catch it!  
> If you haven't seen Civil War, I don't think it would feel like a spoiler.

_The streets were quiet. It wasn’t normal for them to be silent and lifeless. Yet no more kids ran around the streets playing way after sundown. They may not live in a war prone area but it was the feelings, the scare, the silent thoughts of danger that was in everyone’s mind. She was used to noise, to the chatter. It made her feel less lonely. The entire house is a constant state of silence. The ticks of the clocks don’t seem to echo loud enough, the water didn’t seem to make enough noise, the radio seemed dull._

_It was all too sudden—the quiet. She didn’t like it. Her mind was still, no songs were brewing, no words were forming._  
_The letter always seemed to make noise—constantly sliding, curling, and flapping. She would put it under a paper weight and it would still draw attention to itself. She would throw it in a drawer and she could feel it staring at her. She needed the noise, the fun, the careless. But all she got was the little swift sounds of her knitting needles sewing the thread._  
_It’s been about three days since that night. Since the night she trashed her dressing room, ripped up every single Captain America poster, cried at every performance practice and slept on the sofa because the bed seemed too lonely. He promised her he’d come back, he said those exact words that he would. But they can’t even find his body; all she can mourn over was a small, wrinkly letter. Today, that letter sat under her glass because as usual, she made herself go through the pain of reading it again. Each time she finishes reading the letter, the same thought would creep in her head. What if she tried to be more convincing? What if she asked him to marry her? What if she hadn’t let him go to the train station that day? Every what if made her feel smaller and pitier that she already felt before because she knew she wouldn’t have done any of that. She knew that he_  wanted  _to go, that he_ needed _to go and she wouldn’t have tried to be a barrier with his wishes._  
_But what if?_  
_The wind hollowed through the small crack in the window as she continued to knit. She wasn’t expecting any guests, everyone knows she doesn’t want to meet anyone because even though she keeps a strong front, it always tires her out. Yet the door still squeaked open. The steps were quiet and gentle as if not to scare her but she could hear her heart pounding in her chest as if trying to jump out of her throat._  
_“Doll…” the voice lingered in the air._  
_Everything happened so fast. First the needles fell, then her entire body turned, her hand flew to her mouth, tears were already streaming down her cheeks and she was running into his arms._  
_He was back. Bucky was back. Just like he promised._  
_——_  
    Her hands were curled in fist and her feet bouncing on the mat. A crowd surrounded the area as she focused on her body swayed and her eyes scanned for spots where she could land her last punch. A simple training exercise turned into a competition.  
    At one point Peggy entered the room and watched the entire thing unfold, her mind carefully filing away every move they both used. Peggy watched as she creeped closer to her opponent, using her small frame as a benefit.  
    She dropped her arms and moved close to the edge as he stood there, carefully watching her movements. Building her momentum, she ran over to him, and dropped on the mat. Spinning her legs from under her with the help of her right hand and allowed her left leg to trip the weight of her opponent backwards in front of her—his head hitting first impact on the mat. Spinning on her right knee, squeezing the material even more under her weight, she stood up and wrapped her legs around her opponents body as he lay there on the mat. Her breath heaving as she glared down at the man who had tried to challenge her.   
    Peggy had a small smirk on her face. She was using the moves perfectly, even better than Peggy had trained her. A roar of claps filled the room as she got off of her opponent who was nursing the back of his head. A small sting screamed through her knees as she got up from him. Peggy cleared a throat and sent a silence around the room.  
    “Good work, now go get cleaned up. You all reek.” Soft chuckles left everyone’s mouth as they started to storm out of the training room. She was rubbing her knuckles when Peggy blocked her path to her water. “We need to talk.”  
    It was a quiet walk down to the main building. Her hands still stung, cursing herself she knew she should have wrapped them before going in for a fight.   
    “How are the lyrics coming along?” Peggy finally spoke up as they made their way down the steps into the hallway.  
    She stopped mid-step and blinked. “How did you…you knew?”  
    “You’ve been working on it ever since you got here, of course I knew.” Peggy gave her a small smile. The SHIELD symbol was brightly lit in the centre of the room. 

——  
_No one came back this time. Bucky was gone. Again. He had come back for two days and she didn’t let him leave her arms. They stayed tangled in each others hold that they had completely forgotten about the world outside._  
_Yet, Bucky still hadn’t completely forgotten._  
     _He was waiting for Steve to bring more news, more information for when he could offer his help again. She knew this and he knew that she knew this but they never brought it up. Instead, they stayed together, never letting the other go. He smelled her hair and she listened to his heartbeat—it was very real. The entire time she was clutching onto his shirt because she knew he would slip out of her hands._  
_And he did._  
_And that was the night when the silence in the street was filled with her sobs and screams._  
_Then Steve was gone._  
_It was the next day, after Steve, that Peggy came knocking on her door. And that was the day she truly learned everything._  
_“Why do you need me?” she whispered in the silence after Peggy’s speech. The tea sat in front of her, untouched and cold._  
_“We need as many people as we can have. This was important to Steve…to Bucky. And I want you to have a chance to continue their work.”_  
_“I don’t know the first thing to fighting.”_  
_“You know to keep your thumbs outside your fists and so far that’s all you need. I’ll teach you everything you need to know. You’ll be a trainee and in no time, you’ll be protecting some of the greatest secrets for the country.” Her messy sheet of music sat on the table that day. Peggy had noticed. She saw the scribbles, the deep ink marks, and the harsh lines that crossed each word. Her world was slowly crumbling around her and Peggy knew._  
_——_

I've seen the world  
Done it all  
Had my cake now   

    The room was darkly lit even under the yellow lights. There was a file in her hands explaining the package she was helping deliver. A silence was obvious in the room as the three waited for her reply. Before they never waited; it always has been a very order and act process. Tonight was different, even though she’s done tougher missions than this.  
    “So I just have to deliver a package.” she broke the silence.  
    “Well, I’m there too.” Howard announced. A small smile formed on her lips as she pretended to ignore him.      
    “Just a package.”  
    “You realize I am not an object.” They shared a glance until Peggy broke in.  
    “That is basically the premise of this. From point A to B. It sounds a lot easier than your other missions but this does require a great deal of hush.”  
    “That’s why we’re talking about it so quietly?” she gestured to the entire room. It wasn’t exactly a secret place, anyone could walk in. From the corner of her eye, she could see Howard try to cover a smile with his hand.  
    “Will you do it?”  
    “Why is it so important to do it tonight?”  
    “Just paranoia. We want it done as soon and as quickly as possible. And we aren’t willing to send Howard out alone even though—“  
    “Even though I told them that I can take care of myself.” Howard chimed in. Another glance, this time with her eyebrow raised and questioning his statement. “At least, I can try to.” Howard retracted.   
    “There is nothing to worry about, It’ll be over in no time.” Peggy continued.  
    “You’re talking as if I haven’t gone on a mission yet.” She smiled and looked at Howard, “alright, let’s go then. We can do this.”  
    And they were gone.  
——  
     _It has been over a month since she got to SHIELD and over a month since she started her training. Her entire lifestyle had changed. No more singing, no more large crowds. There was no more glitter and glamour in her life and she couldn’t be happier._  
_There was no way a new song was going to pour out of her. Any rhythm or rhyme had completely left her mind. Nothing seemed to flow or even sound anything like a song but she still tried. Every night with aching arms and knuckles she still tried to put words together to come up with something meaningful._  
_She walked into her room and faced the mirror. She knew Peggy watched her trainings. Bruises had taken over her body; the one on her jaw was slowly getting better—she was getting better in protecting her face. That just meant more pain on her arms. Each day it was about trying to protect herself, she hadn’t been able to attack yet. She looked different from how Bucky saw her in the lounge with her hair flowing as she moved, her skin looking delicate and unblemished. Tonight, her hair stuck to her face with sweat still dripping from her forehead and her breath still fast and uneven._  
_She almost didn’t recognize herself._  
_When she moved from the comfort of Bucky and her shared home to the closed SHIELD room she only brought necessities—their photo together. Everyday, it stared up at her noticing all her changes and keeping her company. She remembered when Bucky would come home from his training, with his uneven hair, hot breath and aching limbs. She knew he had always been drained but he always had time for a dance—to hold her in his arms and sway her to even the quietness of their home. It was their moment, it was their thing to dance after a rough day._  
_Would Bucky recognize her like this?_  
_——_

Will you still love me  
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?

    The low sound of the engine was heard on the street. The streetlights lit up the road at periodic moments and the trees blended together to hide any details of nature. She was used to the silence now, it almost peaceful.  
    “So, how was the fight today?” Howard only liked silence when he invented and when he wasn’t he wanted noise and conversations. And there was so much he wanted to know about her.  
    “It wasn’t a fight, just a training session. You should try it sometime.” She glanced at him. He was good company; there was no cover-up with their conversations unlike during his shows. His smiles, smirks and glances were playful and genuine.   
    “You’re the bodyguard remember, I don’t need to try it personally.”   
    “So you wouldn’t have to swing your favourite wrench around?”  
    “Those things are expensive, alright. I have special made. They are a necessity and no to answer your question.” Soft chuckles echoed in the car. “But really, how was the training session? Did you knock him out?”  
    “Of course I did! I feel like if I hadn’t knocked him out Peggy wouldn’t have approached me.”  
    “Good thing you did then. I don’t think I would have liked his company as much, who ever he was.”  
    “Probably because by now he would have thrown a couple of punches.”  
    “You know I can defend myself!” Howard glared at her as she laughed. These instances were good, she liked being mixed in with this moments. It made her forget, it helped her create memories. She may be used to silence, she would still exchange it for this.  
    “So how long has it been?”  
    “Since what?”  
    “Since your last nightmare?” Her eyes quickly scattered away from Howard’s face to stare at her hands. Nightmares had been a constant event for her. It was almost normal for her to wake up gasping, sweating and occasionally screaming. Each time, she tried to keep it hidden to just her room’s walls. The first time Peggy came in running, almost as if she was expecting it. Then again during a mission. Each time Bucky was there and every time he was taken from her.  
    “Just a couple of days, I think.” she was quiet.   
    “It’ll get better, trust me.”  
    “I know. So far your suggestions really helped.” She smiled at him and he glanced back at her,  
    “That’s what I’m here for.”  
    “How—“ The car came to a abrupt stop and everything seemed to slow down.   
    The glass shattered everywhere and crowded Howard’s lap and before he was able to even focus his eyes a metal arm squeezed his throat, suppressing any way to breath. Little efforts of breath kept trying to keep Howard from fainting. His hands flailed to the hand, fidgeting to grab hold of a finger to unlatch it from his neck. The more he gasped for life, the tighter the grip became, the more his eyes started to pop.   
    It was as if he hadn’t even noticed her sitting beside Howard, gasping, trying to find something that would help Howard. As her hands searched around the seat, her fingers curled around a wrench—of course, Howard would have it near the passenger seat—and slammed the end into the steel arm making the grip retreat.   
    “Howard, it’s okay. Breathe, take deep breaths! Come on, focus your eyes.” Howard kept gasping and with all of her attention focused on Howard, the soldier recoiled his fingers and marched over to her side. Not bothering with the window, this time he made the entire door flying into the darkness.  
    Again before either of them could focus to the new change, she was flying out of the car and her back colliding against a lamp post. As her entire body stung, she hunched over with a fit of coughs. This time, the assassin had completely forgotten about Howard as he crept closer to her.   
_Protect Stark._  The colonel had told her.  
    She could feel him coming closer to her, his steps planned and intimidating.  
    “Howard—“ a cough, “ Howard!”   
    Another cough.  
    “Leave!” He was coming closer, she only had some time. She could almost hear the choices playing in Howard’s head. He didn’t want to go but he knew he had to go.   
    “Go!” her voice became hoarse as the metal arm began to curl around her neck, “Please!“  
    “I’ll send someone!” Howard screamed at her over the roar of the car speeding off.   
    And suddenly it was only her and the man with the metal arm. Her eyes finally focused on the face in front of her and there he was. The love of her life, the man of her dreams, her future. 

And all the ways I got to know  
Your pretty face and electric soul

    Bucky’s hair had grown long and stiff. His eyes were angry but unwavering. He was different, he was almost robotic. Her lips quivered as her eyes stared at ever detail on his face, trying to take in everything. There was no more softness in his eyes, almost as if the laughter lines had been wiped off. Bucky looked hurt and alone. Her eyes started to fill with water as she kept looking at him but he showed no reaction. There was no recognition.  
    “Bucky,” her voice whispered.   
    His metal fingers curled into a fist as he pulled his elbow and threw a jab to her face. She ducked quick enough to hear the echo of his hand and the lamp post. His am retracted and the sheets in his arms began to recalibrate as his entire body turned towards her.   
    This was going to have to be a fight.       
    His feet moved quickly towards as she threw up her arms to protect herself. His hand reached down to his holster and brought out a knife. He threw a jab at her face. His metal arm constantly defending her attacks while his right hand kept bringing the knife closer and closer to her face. Her body ducked further away from the knife and her hands flew up to grip his right wrist. She threw her body down spinning on her left thigh and tripped him with her right. As his body slammed with the road, his gripped loosened around the knife dropping it out of his hand.   
    “Bucky. Listen to me!” His eyes shot up at her but he stayed numb. Before she could move up to sit on his chest, his metal hand reached for her throat throwing her down on the road. Her voice choked as she tried to speak. His grip tightened. Her fist clubbed him in the cheek as her leg shoved his body away from her. Regaining her footing, she kept her fists up.  
    “Please—“ her body defended and attacked, everything moved rapidly; the adrenaline pumped blood faster than usual. "Bucky please listen to me.” With his back to her, she spun around and jabbed her ribs. A burn ran up her body as her breath hitched, trying bring in enough oxygen. He stood up straight to regain his breathing. His eyes seemed to burn into her and in no time he started to charge towards her.   
    Sucking in a deep breath, she charged towards him. Using his shoulders, she pulled herself up towards his neck and keeping her thigh choke tight she spun down crushing his body to the road. As she brought him down, his hand reached for another knife and jabbed it in her leg. Then her arm. And as they lay on the road, his hand reached anywhere it could and stabbed and twisted it her in the stomach. Screaming, she released her grip and scrambled away from him, clutching her wound. Her heart was pounding so fast that it felt it was going to break out from her chest.  
    Nothing was working. But was slower. He looked at the knife then at her, almost questioning his decisions. Bucky stared at her and turned away. He was having second thoughts.  
    The cuts stung as blood started to pour out. Everything was slowing down as she panted and tried to clear her sight. Every inch of her body tried convincing her to flee and find him later when she was more prepared but she spoke.   
    “Please try to remember.” His hand tightened around the knife.   
    “Four years, Bucky. I don’t know what they’ve done to you in those four years. But I’ve been longing for you, for all this time. Ever since they told me about your death. It was the second time you died, Bucky. Everything rusted without you; the entire world stopped moving. After seventeen years of singing, I couldn’t make my voice sing. Everything from nightfall to daybreak seemed dull.” She paused. His grip had loosened around the knife, his back seemed straighter, almost as if the words were getting to him. Words vibrating in his ears. Her breath slowly getting longer and stable. Cautiously with small steps she made her way towards him. This could be it. She just needed to get to him, to help him remember.  
    “Do you remember that furnace you promised to fix after you came back? It took Howard nine tries to get it working.” She let out a light laugh, something in him twitched. “Bucky, please just give me something, anything that says that you remember me. I miss you and everything about you. Your gentle touch, your adventurous attitude, your benign smile. After the war ended, I still came to the soldier’s homecoming and waited at the station until I was the only one person there just staring at the freight car hoping, praying that you’d come.” The pain started to dull around her bruises and cuts. Tears blurred her vision as everything from the four years came rushing back.   
    His back was still facing her, staying completely still, as if he wasn’t there anymore. But he was in front of her, at arms reach and she was not going to let him get away. Not again.  
    She reached over to his shoulder, softly calling out his name, “James—“  
    A loud bang echoed through the darkness.

Dear Lord, when I get to heaven  
Please let me bring my man  
When he comes tell me that you'll let him in  
Father tell me if you can

    With a tear in her heart, her body stood paralyzed as she stared at Bucky. Her heart beat getting slower and her breathes becoming heavy. He stood in his spot with the gun in front of his face and watched as slowly her balance gave away from her feet.   
    The blood glossed over her shirt and gave off a dark shine in the street lamps. She could feel the blood wetting the road and everything was getting dark. The street lamps were losing their light and her eyes struggled to stay open. Her breath had sped up, trying to compensate for all the lost blood and oxygen. Her mind was going blank. Small, deliberate steps marched over to her side and she looked up. Bucky stood there with the same dead look in his eyes he had before staring down at her.  _Keep it contained._  He was told. He may not be smiling at her but her last moment was just as she wanted—with Bucky. With one last thought, she gave the love of her life a smile and took her last breath.  
    One night, without Bucky, her tearful screams filled the quiet street. Another night, with Bucky, every breath left her leaving behind a gentle smile. At least Bucky was alive.

Will you still love me  
When I’ve got nothing but my aching soul?

    The next thing Bucky remembered after Steve was the girl who smiled up at him as her body gave up. She cried out the same name. She didn’t want to fight. Her and Steve were so alike; only Bucky saved Steve from drowning, he didn’t stop the bullet from taking her last breath.   
    There wasn’t anything written about her, nothing in the museums, just theories floating in the air. All he truly had was a blurry memory. A memory of her laughter, her touch and her voice.   
    After SHIELD dumped its secrets to the internet, Bucky found her picture and shoved it in Steve’s face for answers. Her file contained next to nothing, just her birthday, the date of her death, her missions and pages of scribbled notes. Bucky knew Steve knew about her. Every single time, Bucky could hear Steve’s mind gearing for a new excuse. There was always more about her than he was told. And while Steve was helping him rebuild his present and to forget about his brainwashed kills, her last smile lingered. Because one day he was going to remember her and he was not going to let himself forget her again.   
    That was night she had finally finished her lyrics.

Will you still love me when I’m not young and beautiful?

**Author's Note:**

> Hand to Hand combat is the bane of my existence. Thank you so hanging on until the end! Please let me know your opinions!


End file.
